You’re NOT Afraid of Failure, You’re Afraid of Success

02.10.24

In this article, we’ll explore the following:

The origins of the fear of success and how it can be connected to The Puer and Puella Aeternus, a devouring mother, and a savior complex.
3 Keys to overcoming the fear of success: Turning Pro, The Flow State, and increasing our “possibility span”.

Everyone talks about the fear of failure, that nagging voice that paralyzes us whenever we want to start something new. We’re terrified envisioning a million scenarios of everything crumbling apart, just like the smallest blow dismantling a house of cards.

However, few people acknowledge the fear of success. It’s so weird, but the chance of our wildest dreams coming true is the one thing that terrifies us the most. It’s like we’re trained to expect things to go wrong all the time.

Well, at least I was, it felt like everything was going according to the script. “See? … I knew it wouldn’t work out… again”.

Part of me thought I could be successful but these invisible chains were holding me back making me procrastinate, lack motivation, blow up great opportunities, and even refuse money!

I know, it’s crazy… 7 years ago when I was just starting as a coach in Ireland, a great friend wanted to support me. He bought 2 sessions and after we were done, he asked me to send a payment link. I can’t explain why, but the time passed and I never did and he also forgot about it.

I felt a mix of shame and frustration and since that moment I clearly knew there was something wrong with me, why the hell would I refuse to be paid?

This set me on a quest to uncover why I was so afraid of things working out and after becoming a therapist, I found out that many people also shared the same obstacles.

Now, we will explore a few common dynamics and then I’ll present 3 keys to overcome this fear. Stay with what makes sense to you.

Fear of Success Uncovered

My investigations led me to two major factors. First, people who are afraid of success are usually identified with what Carl Jung calls the Puer and Puella Aeternus, i.e., they live under the influence of the mother and father complex.

Second, more often than not, they also experienced some degree of toxic shame in their childhoods, which leads to extreme perfectionism and an external sense of self-worth.

The first factor promotes a distinct sensation of feeling like a child trapped in an adult’s body and a huge irrational fear of living life. This translates into procrastination, lack of motivation, feeling lost, and being indecisive.

Now, having experienced toxic shame makes us feel like there’s something inherently wrong with us, we never feel good enough, and there’s an internalized nagging voice constantly undermining us and judging our every move. To compensate for that, we tend to develop an addiction to perfection.

How is this linked with fear of success?

Well, for any endeavor to be successful, it requires work ethic, commitment, long-term thinking, accountability, and fulfilling certain expectations.

The problem is that the Puer Aeternus is allergic to all of the above, they always want to “keep their possibilities” open, and the result is a “provisional life”. They never commit to anything long-term and as soon as things start working out they blow up everything and look for the next thing.

A very common reason for this pattern is because they’re unconsciously trying to fulfill their parent’s or cultural expectations and self-sabotage as an act of rebellion. When they’re confronted about it, they always play the victim card and look for the easy way out.

This can be amplified when you experience a devouring mother who usually makes their child the reason for their whole existence. They tend to curb all your attempts to grow up by being overprotective and guilt-tripping you.

A codependent dynamic is formed in which the son or daughter constantly self-sabotage their own success and in severe cases, they have self-destructive fantasies and can even develop diseases to continue being taken care of by their mothers.

These are unconscious behaviors, however, they conceal a fear of becoming truly independent, bearing responsibilities, and making their own decisions.

When these experiences are coupled with toxic shame, we tend to develop people-pleasing behaviors and an external sense of self-worth, resulting in an over-identification with our productions and results, especially if the parents had narcissistic tendencies.

The problem is that our lenses are colored by a harsh inner critique that won’t ever let us feel good enough. These are the origins of the impostor syndrome which makes us want to hide, don’t show our work to anyone, and play small.

The Savior Complex

Because of the learned codependent relationship blueprint, we can also develop a savior complex, in which we attach our sense of self-worth by providing care for others.

The problem is that we’re constantly looking for “broken people” to fix who take all our time and resources, all in the hopes that they won’t leave us. This can also be understood as another strategy to avoid focusing on our own lives.

This neediness directly bleeds into our business since we can’t place boundaries, always do extra unpaid work, and engage with people who want to play the victim and will never respect us.

Lastly, people who lack success tend to moralize money. Coming from a religious background, I don’t know how many times I heard that “money is the root of all evils”. Moreover, there’s an inherent belief that God blesses good people with his riches and punishes the sinners.

This creates the perfect combo to feeling defeated and like a bad person because you need money AND you also feel punished because you can’t make any.

3 Keys To Obliterate The Fear of Success

Time to get practical. First and foremost, it’s imperative to individuate from your parents, that’s the only way to freely question your beliefs, create your own values, and build a new sense of identity.

Without this, you’ll always live under their shadow and the inner critique will constantly berate you. You have to realize that they have this much influence over you because you’re a passive spectator watching your life unfold.

You must take life into your own hands and I have 2 videos to help you here – Conquer The Puer and Puella Aeternus and How To Fix Perfectionism.

Now, let’s discuss 3 keys to obliterate the fear of success:

1. Turning Pro

One of the best books I ever read is The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. In it, he makes a distinction between pros and amateurs, the latter could easily be substituted by the Puer and Puella Aeternus.

First and foremost, you need the courage to admit to yourself what you truly want and stop finding excuses for not going all in, until you do so you’ll constantly self-sabotage and live beneath your true potential.

The pro learns to do what has to be done regardless of how he’s feeling and develops a pristine work ethic because he respects his craft.

He devotes his time and energy to achieving excellence not because he has megalomaniac fantasies and wants the approval of others, but because he loves what he does.

For the pro, being in touch with his craft is a matter of life or death, he even feels physically sick when he can’t do it. When you commit to honing your talents you develop self-respect and finally start feeling worthy.

If you’re struggling with this, here’s a great video – Obliterate Procrastination

2. Flow

Developing a skill is what allows us to unlock the flow state and intrinsic motivation. Pros can spend hours developing their crafts because the activity itself is deeply rewarding and fills their lives with purpose, meaning, and inspiration.

Carl Jung refers to this state as numinous or religious experiences and when something has this level of importance in our lives, suddenly what other people think stops mattering so much. That’s why I think this is a powerful antidote for perfectionism and the impostor-syndrome.

Plus, when we achieve this state we can increase our productivity by 500% percent and tremendously increase our learning and creative capacities (I know this sounds made up but it’s backed by science!).

The flow state is also associated with Improved emotional regulation and a reduction in negative emotions such as worry, self-doubt, and fear, increased focus and steady levels of motivation, and accomplishing meaningful work.

Here’s a video on Flow and Motivation

3. Increase Your Possibility Span

Lastly, the easiest way to start adopting new behaviors and beliefs is by changing our environments. When we see someone close to us doing something we think is impossible, we immediately start thinking that maybe we could also achieve the same results. Our “possibility span” increases.

That’s why having the right mentor or being part of a community can be so powerful. The right people can help us access the good qualities of our shadow and embody traits we’re afraid of, like being assertive, more confident, and going for what we really want.

Plus, a good group can work like exposure therapy in which we can share our work and receive constructive criticism, helping us overcome the fear of exposing ourselves and our creations.

Finally, you can find a step-by-step to overcome this fear, individuate from your parents, and unlock the flow state in my accessible course Katabasis – The Shadow Integration Manual.

Rafael Krüger – Live an Audacious Life

Whenever you’re ready, there are 3 ways I can help you:

Katabasis – The Shadow Integration Manual – My best-selling and accessible course will introduce you to all you need to know to disrupt the unconscious patterns keeping you stuck.
Audacity University – My flagship course contains a 4-year psychology curriculum and gives you access to the Audacity Inner Circle and live meetings.
Mentorship – Catalyze your personal transformation with 1 on 1 sessions. Master your psychology, relationships, and business.

You’re NOT Afraid of Failure, You’re Afraid of Success