Conquer Loneliness

11.09.24

In this article, we’ll explore:

• The origins of loneliness and how it’s connected to creating a false and a refusal to take our call to adventure.
• How to use love addiction (limerence) to our advantage.
• How to accept ourselves and build authentic connections.

The False Self

At some point, I believe we all feel lonely in our journeys. It’s like nobody can truly understand us and we feel disconnected most of the time. I remember having this deep longing for connection and if I stayed with this feeling for too long, it’d completely engulf me.

This feeling was one of the main reasons why I started trying to understand myself. Over time, I realized that the connection I craved had to begin with truly accepting who I was.

What a simple task, right? … How could I possibly even begin if there was nothing to like about myself?

I know, a bit dramatic, but that’s exactly how I felt at the time.

This led me to constantly try to be perfect. I wanted to be immaculate so I could finally be accepted for who I was. I know, it’s ironic since the last thing I was doing, was being my authentic self. I was suffocating my soul and preventing any spark of authenticity from coming through.

When we’re in the middle of this inner turmoil we end up pushing the people we care about away. We can’t love them for who they are, after all, we don’t love ourselves. Seeing what we can’t accept inside being reflected on the external is unbearable.

We live in a tug of war, wanting to love and to be loved but also scared of someone truly seeing us. It’s scary because we feel like we can’t ever be loved.

However, instead of looking within, we seek this magical approval in others, “If only this person can love me, then I’ll finally feel worthy”.

The thing is, even when we get that, it’s not enough, because the person isn’t “Loving us in the right way” or “They don’t fully get us”.

Origins of Loneliness

First, this happens because we’re not showing our authentic selves. If someone accepts the facade we’re putting out, it falls flat, it’s not real, and we resent them. If someone fully sees us for who we are, we also resent them for accepting what we judge as intolerable.

It’s a lose-lose situation.

Second, this happens because we’re not looking for a partner, we’re unconsciously seeking the approval of our parents. It’s a childish desire for an idealized acceptance, which usually stems from having experienced toxic shame.

This makes us repress vital parts of our personality that form our shadow, such as our creativity, talents, spontaneity, and true desires. Consequently, we feel like there’s something inherently wrong with us and perfectionism becomes a coping strategy to compensate for feeling ashamed and inadequate.

Moreover, we develop an external sense of self-worth. In other words, we become heavily dependent on external validation and start crafting this mask, or false self, to win the approval of others. This is one of the main reasons why we feel lonely even among other people.

On top of that, we have to face how our culture has become increasingly superficial and narcissistic. It seems that to make it in life and find “love” we have to pretend to be something we’re not. We have to use filters, hide our emotions, and display a “perfect Instagram life”.

There’s no room for authenticity, even this word is being used as a marketing tactic. People don’t know who they are anymore as they’re constantly trying to mimic famous people, who are ALSO playing a character.

This is the perfect formula to create neurotic, anxious, and depressed people. That’s why the first thing that ought to be done is to emotionally and psychologically individuate from our parents because this unconscious need for approval is projected onto the world.

Until we craft our own values and build a strong sense of identity, we’ll continue to feel lost. I explore this in-depth in my video about conquering the Puer and Puella Aeternus.

Love Addiction As A Gateway To Acceptance

The false self is also one of the main factors behind experiencing love addiction, aka limerence or constantly obsessing about someone and stalking their Instagram stories.

This happens because all of the repressed qualities that form our shadow are projected, and we see in these people an idealized version of what we would like to become.

When we explore limerent fantasies it’s not uncommon to hear that the person has a talent you wanted to have, they’re pursuing a career you always wanted but never went for it, or they have qualities you feel you lack, like confidence or being creative and in touch with their emotions.

These fantasies can give us the key to understanding what we have to develop for ourselves. The things we admire in them also exist in potential inside of us and it’s our duty to develop them to finally stop seeking external validation, stop being a stalker, and focus on living our lives.

I explore this in-depth in my video The Definitive Guide To Overcome Limerence.

The Call To Adventure

Lastly, loneliness conceals a refusal to fully live our lives and take our call to adventure. As time passes, being isolated becomes a strategy to run away from exploring our talents and be in service of other people.

The main problem is that we spend so much time creating the false self that people have a certain idea in their minds about who we are. We want to control their perception, but the more we invest in this fake persona, the more we feel trapped.

Now, we have a series of relationships and maybe even a career that isn’t aligned with who we truly are.

We must choose between continuing to sacrifice our authentic selves and dreams to “keep everyone happy” or listening to our souls.

When we finally take the risk of being who we truly are and start carving our own paths, that inner void is filled and we’re finally ready to build authentic connections.

You already know that everything starts with accepting who we truly are and we do that by committing to exploring our potential, engaging with our interests, and following our fears.

You must understand that we’ll never integrate the shadow by journaling or doing weird visualizations, we must take action in real life and get out of our heads.

We have to devote time to hone our talents and be in service of other people. We must go all in in the pursuit of what inspires and realizes us.

In this process, the more we feel connected with our souls the less we need external validation. When we’re living authentically, we get to meet amazing people who share the same values and we’ll finally be able to experience deeper connections.

Lastly, you can find a step-by-step to integrate the shadow, individuate from your parents, and conquer loneliness in my best-selling and accessible course Katabasis – The Shadow Integration Manual.

Rafael Krüger – Live an Audacious Life

Whenever you’re ready, there are 3 ways I can help you:

• Katabasis – The Shadow Integration Manual – My best-selling and accessible course will introduce you to all you need to know to disrupt the unconscious patterns keeping you stuck.
• Audacity University – My flagship course contains a  4-year psychology curriculum and gives you access to the Audacity Inner Circle and live meetings.
• Mentorship – Catalyze your personal transformation with 1 on 1 sessions. Master your psychology, relationships, and business.