You Can’t Find Love Because You’re Addicted To Perfection

Addiction To Perfection

08.04.24

“No matter how isolated you are and how lonely you feel, if you do your work truly and conscientiously, unknown friends will come and seek you” C.G. Jung (Letters V II, p. 595).

In this passage, Carl Jung cites an old alchemical text, despite seeing it multiple times I never paid much attention to it, but this time I decided to fully be with it and it sparked a few interesting reflections.

At some point, I believe we all feel lonely in our healing journeys.

It’s like nobody can truly understand us and we feel disconnected most of the time.

I remember having this deep longing for connection and if I stayed with this feeling for too long, it’d completely engulf me.

I felt lost in this weird vacuum.

Over time, I understood that the connection I craved had to begin with truly accepting who I was.

You see, most of my life I allowed shame and fear to be the writers of my story.

I forsaken my soul to fit in, to be accepted by others, and to do what was expected of me.

The little I knew about myself felt wrong and being in my own body felt truly suffocating.

I didn’t know that at the time, but I was constantly striving to be perfect. 

I wanted to be immaculate so I could finally be accepted for who I was.

I know, a bit ironic since the last thing I was doing, was being my authentic self.

I was suffocating my soul and preventing any spark of authenticity from coming through.

When we’re in the middle of this inner turmoil we end up pushing the people we care about away.

We can’t love them for who they are, after all, we don’t love ourselves.

Seeing what we can’t accept inside being reflected on the external is unbearable.

We live in a tug of war, wanting to love and to be loved but also scared of someone truly seeing us.

It’s scary because we feel like we can’t ever be loved.

However, instead of looking within, we seek this magical approval in others, “If only this person can love me, then I’ll finally feel worthy”.

The thing is, even when we get that, it’s not enough.

Because the person isn’t “Loving us in the right way” or “They don’t fully get us”.

First, this happens because we’re not showing our authentic selves.

If someone accepts the facade we’re putting out, it never reaches our hearts and we resent them.

If someone fully sees us for who we are, we also resent them for accepting what we judge as intolerable.

It’s a lose-lose situation.

Second, this happens because we’re not looking for a partner, but for the approval of a mother or father.

We have unreal expectations and make them responsible for filling our inner voids and giving us meaning.

And the same need for immaculate perfection that runs our lives is also placed upon them. 

There’s no room for mistakes and as soon as they start to deviate from our idealizations, we feel betrayed.

This is one of the main factors that creates toxic and harmful relationships.

Until we free ourselves from the need for parental approval, that’s how our relationships will go.

That’s why it’s imperative to gently look within and work on accepting our faults, our mistakes, and who we truly are.

Everything starts with challenging the way we see ourselves because more often than not, we’re seeing everything with a set of lenses that don’t fit our personality.

And until we throw them away we’ll constantly feel like there’s something wrong with us.

However, when we strive to create our unique sense of meaning and purpose we uncover hidden talents and wonderful parts of ourselves that have been there all along. 

In this process, the more we feel connected with our souls, we get to meet amazing people who share the same values and will love us for who we are, and we’ll love them.

Lastly, this is usually related to an unresolved parental complex and an Animus and Anima projection, you can find in-depth guides Here and Here.

Rafael Krüger – Jungian Therapist

Start your journey with Katabasis – The Shadow Integration Manual