Procrastination Is A Secret Form of Codependency
Procrastination is a secret form of codependency – Instead of living your life, you live vicariously through others.
29.04.24
People with this kind of procrastination learned that having their own desires and needs is always selfish.
Usually, they had to constantly be at the disposal of their parents taking care of their every need. Be it taking care of their emotions or doing chores for them.
Their boundaries were constantly violated and they were trained to fulfill their expectations. As a result, their sense of self-worth is completely external and they only feel loved when they’re NEDDED.
And to be NEEDED means that they live fully for others and completely forget about their own desires. They NEED the other to give them a sense of purpose because alone they have no clear identity or direction.
Consequently, they constantly post-pone living their own lives so they don’t have to take any responsibility for their destinies.
The first thing that must be realized is that this becomes a comfortable position because you don’t have to think for yourself.
You don’t have to make any tough decisions about what you truly want in life. You’re just passively waiting for someone else to decide everything for you.
Second, you have to challenge the notion that having clear boundaries and desires is something bad. That’s the only way to let go of the need for external validation and craft your own values.
In the process of placing healthy boundaries, you finally create space for your true desires to emerge.
The more you follow your inner compass the more you start to solidify your sense of identity. Now, you’re no longer at the mercy of others and start to create your audacious life.
The Plot Twist
Now, seeing codependency in this first scenario is very clear, so it’s time for a plot twist.
We have to talk about people who appear to be independent and have their shit together, however, they’re just as codependent.
I’m talking about people who always want to be the savior of everyone.
They spend all of their free time trying to solve everyone’s problems, especially when no one asked for their help.
They put an immense amount of effort into being the reliable person and to have all of the answers.
They drop everything they have to do in a heartbeat to be there for you.
They relish when they can say “I got it, I can help you”.
On the outside, meeting someone like this seems amazing, right?
Well, their motivations aren’t exactly pure, this is just the other side of the codependency coin.
They unconsciously seek people who are in a tough spot so they can be their savior.
They also NEED to feel NEEDED and that’s why they unconsciously sabotage every attempt of people becoming independent.
They tend to be push-overs and disrespect others’ boundaries in the good name of “I’m just trying to help”.
Why? … Because if someone gets better they won’t be needed anymore.
The truth is that they don’t know how to maintain a relationship without this power dynamic.
In fact, they hate to be on the other side and never allow anyone else to help them.
They can’t be seen as weak or vulnerable because their sense of self-worth is based on the validation they get from helping other people.
They appear to be responsible and self-sufficient, however, they’re just as codependent.
Once again, they procrastinate fully living their lives because they’re always trying to solve someone else’s problems.
They obsess over their “little projects”, i.e., “To whom am I going to devote all of my time and resources now?”
They suffocate people until they leave them or they get a little better because once they do, they just don’t know how to relate as equals.
They always want to have the upper hand and aren’t afraid to play the guilt trip card, “After all I’ve done for you you’re just going to leave?”
The truth is that they’re secretly terrified of being alone and that’s why they seek people who are emotionally incapable of leaving them.
Again, codependent relationships are always based on a power dynamic and have a narcissistic core.
It’s never selfless, it’s always about how can I make the other serve ME.
Now you know why people who play the victim and people who play the savior are a match made in heaven.
Or dare I say hell?
This second type was most likely parentified, from an early age they had responsibilities that a child shouldn’t have. They were their parent’s “little helpers” and many times, they even had to parent their parents.
That’s why they also don’t know how to live their own lives and seek this kind of relationship.
Lastly, I’d like to point out that this dynamic isn’t static, when people have codependent behaviors, they can switch between poles from time to time.
Once again, the solution is to free yourself from the mother and father complex and become your own person.
You can find an in-depth guide here – Overcome The Mother and Father Complex
Rafael Krüger – Live an Audacious Life
Start your journey with Katabasis – The Shadow Integration Manual
