How To Stop Feeling Lost and Carve Your Own Path
Carve Your Own Path
29.03.24
As a teenager, I’d constantly find myself daydreaming.
I’d spend most of my time in my imaginary world and avoid getting in touch with reality.
Video games, especially Counter-Strike and Call of Duty, were my favorite choices to avoid dealing with real life.
I couldn’t focus and the mere thought of me reading a book and remembering it was laughable.
Obviously, I had no clear goals in life and there wasn’t a single day when I didn’t feel lost.
I’m not proud to say, but I changed my university degree 3 times.
I know, Classic Puer Aeternus, lol (aka the Peter Pan syndrome).
At the time, I didn’t know but I was doing everything I could to avoid truly growing up and becoming an adult.
Fast-forward to today, after having analyzed people from over 20 countries, this seems to be the problem of our generation.
People have no sense of meaning, purpose, or a clear direction in life.
Of course, the results are an incredible rise in depression, massive amounts of anxiety, and toxic relationships.
Well, before this uplifting picture, let me try to summarize what I’ve discovered to be helpful in this scenario.
The First Step
The first thing you have to realize is that you’re not lost, you’re afraid of responsibility.
There’s a part of you that wants to remain a child and sabotages all your attempts to become independent.
This part is also very clever, as it’s a master in creating the perfect excuses to avoid growing up.
Now, I know that many people were dealt a bad hand, I had to deal with CPTSD and severe derealization.
However, the first thing that ought to be done is to emotionally separate yourself from your parents.
Until you do so, you’ll never be your own person and you’ll be forever doomed to repeat their stories.
Simply, psychologically speaking, being under the influence of the parents entails that you unconsciously adopt their worldview, beliefs, fears, and all of their patterns around work, money, relationships, and life in general.
I won’t go into full detail here because I already wrote extensively about it in my Conquer The Puer and Puella Aeternus Series and you can check it HERE.
What I’d like to add is that you won’t be able to carve your own path if you don’t take the responsibility upon you to craft your own values and create your unique sense of meaning.
These answers won’t come from anyone else but you, and if you don’t actively engage in this process, you’ll operate with goals and a belief system that have nothing to do with your personality.
You’ll be trying to please others and fulfill their expectations instead of following your soul. That’s what most people choose to do and that’s also why they lead meaningless lives.
The Foundation
Now, let’s be more practical.
When we live avoiding touching reality, we completely dissociate from our bodies.
We’re constantly daydreaming or fighting demons in our heads, consequently, the practical aspects of life tend to be neglected.
This is a very common trauma response, and If this is you, the first thing that has to be done is to stabilize yourself with a proper routine.
I know, I know… you’ve heard that a million times, and I’m lame and boring… But the reason every therapist recommends that is because it works.
You won’t be able to solve the problems of humanity and find your soul purpose if you’re barely taking care of yourself.
You have to stop the bleeding first and naturally, you’ll find your way.
It’s crucial to understand that all of these negative feelings have a biological aspect and if you take care of this part, they’ll diminish at least in half. In many cases, about 80%.
If you don’t believe me, do yourself a favor and listen to a few of Andrew Huberman’s podcasts.
So start getting some physical exercise, drink enough water, learn how to cook healthy meals, and fix your sleep.
To me, going to the gym was the beginning of my separation from my parents.
Physical exercise and taking care of your nutrition were an alien concept to my family, and through that, I began discovering my individuality.
Going to the gym brought me self-confidence and taught me discipline.
I dropped 25kg (55lbs) and learned that I could have goals and achieve them.
If you’re dealing with the endless loop of perfectionism and procrastination, committing to a physical activity is what will end it.
Strong body, strong mind.
Speaking of which, many people fall into the psychology rabbit hole and start reading book after book and watching video after video.
The thing is, at this stage, this is often detrimental because it puts you even more in your head and it becomes a crutch to avoid making practical changes.
Things get even worse when you devote all your time to learning alchemy and esoteric philosophies because they make you lose interest in real life even more.
I explore this idea here – Don’t Kill Your Ego – The Dark Side of Spirituality
If you’re living in a dissociated state, getting in touch with your body and the practical aspects of life is what will heal you.
The things we resist the most are often what can save us.
If you’re at this stage, I also recommend this one – Obliterate Procrastination
The Power of NO
Now that you’re feeling more stable and capable of regulating your emotions, it’s time to learn more about what you truly want in life.
The thing is that many people under the influence of the parental complex display codependent traits.
This means that we have weak boundaries and learned that having our individual goals and pursuits is selfish.
There’s a tendency to be constantly looking for validation and fulfilling the expectations of others.
Our sense of self-worth is completely external and there’s no intrinsic motivation.
Before this pattern, it’s hard to access what one truly wants, that’s why this quest often begins with being able to place healthy boundaries.
If you don’t know what you want, you can start by realizing the things that you DON’T want in your life.
If you find yourself constantly wasting time with doom scrolling or watching porn, say no to that.
If you have a bunch of toxic friendships, say no to that.
If your family is constantly surpassing your boundaries, say no to that.
If you don’t want to spend your whole life in a 9 to 5 job, say no to that.
Make a list of the things that you don’t want and commit to placing these boundaries.
In this process, you’ll finally create space to get in touch with your inner center and access what you truly want.
This is very simple but extremely powerful.
The Numinosum
When you’re present and connected with yourself your natural interests will come to the surface.
Just pay attention to what you’re drawn to and what catches your attention.
In my experience, 99% of people know exactly what they want to do, however, they allow fear to get in the way.
Maybe it’s a fear of being rejected by the parents or the infamous fear of failure.
However, you have to give yourself the right to deeply want to accomplish your goals and move towards them.
You have to bet on yourself and redefine what failure means, because deep in your soul, you know that you only fail when you know you could’ve given more but you didn’t.
Meaning won’t simply come to you, you have to meet it halfway.
It’s by actively striving to overcome your fears and engaging with your natural interests that meaning is unraveled.
Intrinsic motivation is unleashed when you know that what you’re doing is deeply valuable to you.
That’s how you begin crafting your own values and unique sense of meaning.
Simply look for that thing that speaks to and revitalizes your soul.
That thing you can spend hours and hours doing is capable of bringing you meaning.
Carl Jung calls that the numinosum, the latest neuroscience calls it the Flow state.
The more you devote yourself to this activity and the creative aspect of your personality, the more you’ll feel fulfilled.
You can read more about it here – How To Find and Create Meaning
Rafael Krüger – Live an Audacious Life
Start your journey with Katabasis – The Shadow Integration Manual
