The Provisional Life

04.02.25

This is the second part of my Conquer The Puer Aeternus and Puella Aeterna Series.

Today, we’re gonna explore the origins and how to overcome love addiction (limerence), codependency, and the provisional life. 

• Read the 1st part – Conquer The Puer Aeternus and Puella Aeterna – Overcoming The Mother and Father Complex

“The spirit of evil is fear, negation, the adversary who opposes life in its struggle for eternal duration and thwarts every great deed, who infuses into the body the poison of weakness and age through the treacherous bite of the serpent; he is the spirit of regression, who threatens us with bondage to the mother and with dissolution and extinction in the unconscious. For the hero, fear is a challenge and a task, because only boldness can deliver from fear. And if the risk is not taken, the meaning of life is somehow violated” (C. G. Jung – V5 – §551).

The condition of the Puer Aternus and Puella Aeterna can be easily described as a general fear of life and avoidance of responsibility. They are the child of the promise and are full of great potential, however, they refuse the task of developing their gifts and being in service of something greater than themselves.

There’s a poignant illusion that the fantasy world is better than reality, even though they secretly know that this is just a maneuver to remain childish. But having one foot in the eternal childhood paradise gives them a youthful energy and fills them with creativity, inspiration, and a peculiar magnetism.

They tend to be full of ideals and know everything that’s wrong with society. When they look at adults all they can see are people trapped “in the system”. They are the ones who know better! Everything that resembles responsibilities and commitments seems terrifying. They feel trapped, but it’s only because this confronts their childishness. The result is a provisional life.

They’re abducted by the intoxicating realm of possibilities and potentials and there’s a perpetual longing for the perfect thing and waiting for the perfect conditions. As a result, they are constantly building sand castles on a windy beach. When everything falls apart they look for someone to blame, when in reality, they never commit to anything long enough and never go all in.

Many fall on the perfectionism side, but this is only a protection against an imaginary failure. The mindset “If I never try I can’t ever fail” perfectly encapsulates this. This tends to mingle with procrastination, and as a result, they’re constantly stuck. Also, they often expect to be great at something on their first try without any dedication.

They refuse to pay the price to achieve any greatness, as soon as it gets difficult, or they get their first results and realize they’ll have to commit to the process, they abandon everything. But this shouldn’t matter, after all, they’re constantly substituting reality with their fantasies.

In fantasy land, they can continue dreaming about everything they want to achieve and remain completely inert. To compensate for this lack of action, their fantasies usually involve megalomaniac deeds, and as long as they tell everyone about their hypothetical plans they can delude themselves into thinking they’re doing something productive.

That’s why the quickest way to realize if someone is being influenced by a negative mother complex is a constant search for comfort, one of the most poisonous drugs given by the spirit of mediocrity. Yes, the Puer takes pride in his laziness but everything is a maneuver to stay in this stagnant endless loop and avoid dealing with reality. They become hostages to their own fantasies and little do they know that real life can set them free because it’s in the real world that their fantasies must be given shape and be concretized.

Many Puers and Puellas are highly intelligent and love “deep conversations”, but there’s a huge problem: They only understand things intellectually. There’s no action and experience behind it, it’s a half-knowledge that has no life. Deep down, they are huge hypocrites, because their ideals do not hold up in reality and they’re too afraid to face the world and actually live by them.

As a result, they constantly choose the easy way out and tend to create conditions where they can be perceived as victims, so others take responsibility for them. In this process, they can put their own family and friends through a living hell. But obviously, the problem is never in themselves, it’s always the parents who didn’t love them enough or weren’t able to give them everything they wanted.

Alternatively, they blame “the system” and the inability of other people to see how incredibly amazing they are. This insidious sense of entitlement makes them expect the world to bend to their will and cater to their every need, without them giving anything valuable in return nor applying real effort.

“Discipline is for stupid people”! – They say. That’s precisely why they never accomplish anything great, never develop their talents, and settle for a mediocre life. Unfortunately, if you don’t give your blood and get your hands dirty, as Jung puts it, “The meaning of life is violated”.

Moreover, this incessant search to keep their fantasies alive is poison for the soul, “The perpetual hesitation of the neurotic to launch out into life is readily explained by his desire to stand aside so as not to get involved in the dangerous struggle for existence. But anyone who refuses to experience life must stifle his desire to live—in other words, he must commit partial suicide” (C. G. Jung – V5 – §165).

Here we arrive at the most critical element: The one that refuses to live is already partially dead. The longing for childhood paradise can turn into a constant flirt with death. Here, vices, self-destructing habits, reckless behaviors, or porn addiction can all be means to perpetuate this state of unconsciousness and avoidance.

Love Addiction – Animus and Anima Entanglement

But we still have to discuss another secret inescapable drug: limerence, popularly known as love addiction. This term was coined by Dorothy Tennov in the 70s and accurately describes what Jung calls a severe animus and anima projection.

This entanglement feels like a spiritual experience and generates an instant recognition like you’ve always known that person and perhaps shared hundreds of past lives. While experiencing limerence, you feel completely enmeshed with the other person, like you two are made of the same fabric. You can anticipate everything they’re thinking and feeling, and it feels like the most precious thing in the Universe.

Many people even report crazy experiences like being able to feel the presence or the smell of their partner even though they are thousands of miles apart. Everything feels magical, but if you have ever experienced limerence, you know it can turn dark very quickly. The immense highs are compensated by massive amounts of anxiety and constantly obsessing about this one particular person. It’s like your life depends on it.

However, relationships based on heavy animus and anima projections tend to be wildly compulsive and people often enter a vicious cycle of breaking up and reconciling over and over again. You can’t understand why, but something in you becomes hooked to this cycle and you know it hurts. But just like an addict, you want just one more drink of this poisonous “love”.

Some people delude themselves and stay in this cycle for years but more often than not, it inevitably leads to a beak-up that crushes your spirit. Now, you feel like a piece of you is gone and you lose your motivation to live life entirely.

The crazy thing is that many people experience limerence with people they met just once or exchanged a few texts online. In many cases, it’s completely platonic and the chance of being together was always inexistent. However, they give in to these poisonous fantasies and allow them to completely steal their will to live.

That’s why I consider limerence to be one of the most powerful drugs that exist and in my opinion, it’s one of the main factors behind toxic and codependent relationships. The origins of these dynamics seem to be associated with an unresolved parental complex and attachment issues. We’ll focus on the first one by discussing how a shame-based identity and enmeshment triggers love addiction and codependency.

The False Self

To simplify things, we can say that a “relationship blueprint” emerges from the experience we have with our parents. Let’s quickly recap that when receiving love and validation is heavily dependent on fulfilling the life script we discussed previously, it generates an external sense of self-worth and favors a shame-based identity.

To compensate for these feelings of shame and inadequacy, we tend to create a carefully curated persona or a false self. We desperately want to be seen and accepted and we strive to accomplish that by being immaculate in everything that we do. “If I can only do this one thing right they’ll finally see me, they’ll finally love me!”.

But we know this day never comes and when it finally does, it creates even more resentment. Why? … Because we’re not the ones receiving this “love”, but the character we’re playing. Needless to say, we lose touch with our authentic selves and become enslaved to public opinion.

Many people even proudly say that they’re social chameleons and can “create” different personalities in each group they participate in. They have the ability to morph into exactly what people expect of them, but they lose themselves in these characters and have no idea who they are. They like to be called “empaths”, but this is just another way of saying that you’re severely codependent.

In the same vein, another common pattern is to put on this self-sufficient facade and act like nothing can phase you. Ironically, there’s always someone who can truly see us, but we usually get scared and run away because we don’t want to break the character, and we’re not ready to accept who we truly are.

In summary, this external sense of self-worth primes us to abandon our true selves and instead of looking within, we begin seeking this magical approval in others, “If only this person can love me, then I’ll finally feel worthy”.

The problem is that even when we get that, it’s not enough, because the person isn’t “loving us in the right way” or “they don’t fully get us”. First, this happens because we’re not showing our authentic selves. If someone accepts the facade we’re putting out, it falls flat, it’s not real, and we resent them. If someone fully sees us for who we are, we also resent them for accepting what we judge as intolerable. It’s a lose-lose situation.

Second, this happens because we’re not looking for a partner, we’re unconsciously seeking the approval of our parents. It’s a childish desire for an idealized acceptance. In that sense, the false self fuels love addiction because all of the repressed qualities of our shadow are projected, and we see in other people an idealized version of what we would like to become.

In that sense, when we explore limerent fantasies it’s not uncommon to hear that the person has a talent you wanted to have, they’re pursuing a career you always wanted but never went for it, or they have qualities you feel you lack, like confidence or being creative and in touch with their emotions.

These fantasies can give us the key to understanding what we have to develop for ourselves. The things we admire also exist in potential inside of us. Therefore, we must develop these qualities to finally stop seeking external validation and focus on becoming who we’re meant to be.

The Devouring Mother – Enmeshment

Now, the second factor that contributes to codependency and limerence is having experienced enmeshment. This term was coined by Salvador Minunchin and perfectly describes the effects of what Jung calls the devouring mother.

It’s important to realize that a parent is devouring because they’re codependent themselves and that’s why they can be incredibly suffocating and overwhelming. By the way, I’m using the term devouring mother because that’s primarily a feminine dynamic, however, fathers can also be devouring. Although it’s less frequent.

Simply put, enmeshment happens when there aren’t any boundaries between you and your parents, everything is blurred and there’s no sense of individuality since they treat you as an extension of themselves. They’ll usually make you the reason for their whole existence and will make sure that you feel this weight.

They will tell you that everything they do is for you and list all the sacrifices they had to make. So you better behave, act exactly like they want, and fulfill all of their expectations to pay this insurmountable debt. Well, no wonder we tend to feel like a burden and start to let go of our wants and needs.

Furthermore, enmeshment is usually coupled with parentification, which has many degrees, but basically, you feel responsible at some level for their emotional well-being. Instead of you being a kid, you suddenly become their confidant.

They tell you everything that’s wrong with their relationship and even ask you to make important decisions for them. If you have siblings, you usually become a second parent to them and start bearing many responsibilities that a kid shouldn’t have.

When parents are codependent, they unconsciously feel threatened when their kid wants to develop their autonomy and tend to sabotage all of their attempts to grow up. You find yourself constantly trying to appease their emotions and in this process, you forget about yourself.

You might even feel that having your own dreams is wrong and selfish, then you become a people pleaser who can’t say no and doesn’t have any boundaries. In that sense, a common indicator of enmeshment is having sexual dreams with your parents, I don’t think there’s anything more telling than that.

In severe cases, people start dissociating from their own emotions which can also lead to psychotic symptoms. In the end, you never learn to live on your own. At the same time that you feel responsible for them, they’re also constantly trying to rule your life. It feels like a prison and the worst part is that you feel guilty for wanting to leave and have your own life.

If you were parentified, I know that you feel responsible for your parents and that they need you and perhaps they even guilt trip you. However, it’s crucial to understand that appeasing them was never your responsibility.

Now that you’re an adult, you must realize that putting this weight on yourself is just a way to avoid making your own decisions and living your own life. I emphasize once again the importance of individuating from our parents.

Main Patterns

Now, when we combine these factors, we have the perfect combo for dysfunctional relationships. The mother and father complex are projected and the “codependent relationship blueprint” is activated. Now, we expect our partner to fulfill the role of a substitute parent and narcissistically cater to our needs. We selfishly expect other people to fill our inner voids and provide us with a sense of meaning and purpose.

We’re after that mother gaze and we want to be fully seen and accepted. For it to happen, this object has to be magical. We want all of that to come from an immaculate being whom we put on a pedestal, so they can finally correspond to our idealized fantasies.

In that sense, the limerent object who receives the animus or anima projection has the function of compensating for all our inferiorities and healing all our wounds. We believe that our entire life will be fixed once we receive validation from this god-like figure. That’s the primary root of romantic obsessions and the modus operandi of Puers and Puellas.

This tends to happen because people who experience severe limerence usually feel lost, don’t have a sense of purpose, don’t have clarity about who they are, and don’t feel proud about the lives they’re living. Instead of facing this reality and taking action to change their lives they unconsciously choose to indulge in obsessive fantasies, which usually come in moments of extreme frustration and distress. In this light, limerence conceals a desire to be rescued and a childish idea that everything will be magically solved once you’re together.

Moreover, Von Franz explains that Puers and Puellas follow two major tendencies. In the first case, we have “Don Juanism”. This pattern is present in both men and women and involves constantly hopping from relationship to relationship unconsciously seeking for their mothers or fathers.

People trapped in this pattern tragically sacrifice their personalities to fulfill romantic idealizations. They’re usually overly identified with their bodies and become addicted to winning sexual validation. However, despite all of their encounters, they experience excruciating loneliness since who receives validation is always the false self.

Also, they’re incapable of maintaining any long-term relationship since they flee as soon as their idealizations are challenged. When commitment is at stake, sadly, they usually choose to keep pursuing their illusions. Jung also referred to this pattern as the anima-woman or animus-man.

In the second case, Puers and Puellas avoid relationships entirely by creating an intellectual shield where feelings don’t stand a chance and their Eros and sexuality are sacrificed. Usually, that’s a maneuver to escape the incestuous influence of the mother. But in both cases, the libido remains attached to the parents, or better put, to their fantastical “never land”.

Integration

Finally, let’s talk about integration. It’s interesting that when we analyze limerent fantasies they usually highlight repressed desires, needs, talents, and a picture of the life we wish we could be living. People usually say they got attracted because the person seemed confident and authentic, they’re following their passions, they’re independent, or they’re creative and emotionally expressive.

Perhaps they do something you always wanted to do but never had the courage or they have a talent you admire. But instead of developing your own personality and exploring your potential, you want to live vicariously through them and end up replicating codependent dynamics.

You start seeing the other as an extension of yourself and because you get all of your validation from them, there’s also an underlying controlling aspect. You want them to correspond to your fantasies and demands, and if they don’t, you feel frustrated, sad, and sometimes even betrayed. However, it’s imperative to understand that you’re not seeing the real person in front of you, only your projection since limerence is a mild psychotic state.

Although all of this seems quite complex, the solution is simple. It obviously requires effort and dedication, but it’s still fairly simple: You have to fully accept your reality and direct all the energy you spend daydreaming to developing yourself and creating a meaningful life.

First, the origins of these fantasies are connected to an unresolved parental complex, that’s why it’s imperative to individuate from your parents. Second, you must understand what was projected upon your limerent object and develop these qualities for yourself. This will involve making practical changes to create a life in which you can explore your potential and feel truly happy.

• For this step, you can use the tools provided here – The Definitive Shadow Work Guide.

Lastly, your view about relationships and how it feels to be in love will have to be updated. It’s funny, but when you’re used to experiencing limerence, healthy relationships seem boring. But the truth is that connection and intimacy take time to build.

But again, a deep bond is impossible if we’re disconnected from our authentic selves, and one of the keys to making this happen is dealing with our animus or anima.

• Check the full animus and anima series.

As a final thought, becoming an adult also involves coming to terms with the flawed parents we had. One of the main obstacles is being able to conciliate how paradoxical parents can be, with their good and terrible qualities. As kids, we usually experience a split between the good parent and the bad parent. This functions as a protection mechanism to provide safety since a childish ego can’t hold paradoxical views.

In that sense, we tend to view one parent as all bad and the other as all good. When exploring the main patterns of Puers and Puellas, we find that men usually idealize their mothers and reject their fathers, especially if the mother has devouring qualities. As for women, they tend to idealize their fathers and reject their mothers.

The main problem is that when you fully reject one of them, you lose all the positive qualities of this complex and they become your shadow. Simply put, men become weak and emasculated, this is popularly known as the nice-guy syndrome, while women become overly intellectual and deprived of their femininity. These patterns can be switched although they’re less frequent.

A great part of our work is being able to conciliate these paradoxical parental imagos within so we can become more whole. To many people, this also opens the door to recreating their relationship with their parents. If this possibility exists, I always encourage people to take it.

Rafael Krüger – Live an Audacious Life

Whenever you’re ready, there are 3 ways I can help you:

Mentorship – Catalyze your personal transformation with 1 on 1 sessions. Master your psychology, relationships, and business.

Katabasis – The Shadow Integration Manual – My best-selling and accessible course will introduce you to all you need to know to disrupt the unconscious patterns keeping you stuck.

Audacity University – Master Jungian Psychology in 1 year. Become your own analyst or integrate these tools into your professional practice.